TGIS: The Lord of the Rings

I think that seeing Peter Jackson's "The Fellowship of the Ring" was the first time that I truly felt that movie making had entered the future; the first time I actually felt that we had the technology and ability to bring fantasy to life. When it was first announced that he would be making The Lord of the Rings, though, I didn't really get my hopes up. All fantasy movies before had failed rather spectacularly. Only a year earlier, the Dungeons and Dragons movie had been released and while it had decent special effects, it was dragged screaming into the Abyss by a painfully bad plot, poor characterization, and a Wayans brother. This is what we had come to expect, though. Fantasy movies weren't allowed to be good for some reason. And the only movie version of LOTR we had to compare things to was this:

In 1978, Ralph Bakshi released the animated Lord of the Rings (which is really only Fellowship and part of Two Towers).  Looks pretty freakin cool, huh?  Well what you actually got was this:

That's Frodo on the right (really the only character that Bakshi actually captured). On the left are Merry and Pippin, so bland and identical that you never bother to learn to tell them apart.  In the middle is Sam, who looks like he's part of a different freaking species from the Land of Derp. I mean, sure Sam is supposed to be husky and awkward, but he also is supposed to emerge as a hero and ultimately the real strength of the Fellowship. This is really one of the bigger problems for this film. Bakshi's vision is based on the introduction of the character and not what they are supposed to become.

I think this scene of the Bridge of Khazad Dum illustrates more of the flaws.  Here's the Bakshi version.



So we've got Boromir as a ... viking or something? Legolas as the ultra white fairy. Gimli looks less like a dwarf than Boromir does. And Aragorn is a human shaped piece of beef jerky with a sword. These characters are visually unappealing, vocally unpleasant, and just kind of... bleh. They don't really capture the imagination. Oh and the orcs.

Waddup?

Bakshi made use of a technique known as rotoscoping. You film real actors, then trace over them to create animation, which allows for artistically changing reality. You can't argue that it doesn't do a great job of making the orcs look "otherworldly".  It also makes them look like they're from a different freaking movie though.

Then comes the balrog, a flying creature whose only weakness is... falling.  Wait, does that make sense?

Well, flight is a Daily Power and I used it up getting to the bridge...

Anyhow, Gandalf doesn't really shout, but... enunciates? at the balrog in a quavering old man voice that he is the keeper of the secret flame. Then they hit swords together and Gandalf appears to... accidentally break the bridge.  *sigh*

I'm Gandalf the Derp!

The falling flying balrog then whips him immediately in. No suspense. No commanding presence from Gandalf. Just an old man breaking a bridge and getting whipped by a demon. Then Aragorn shoves hobbits around afterward.

I lead by pushing!  Which ironically puts me in back!

There is no sense of pathos or loss after the fall of Gandalf. The only emotion conveyed is anger and frustration. Honestly, this version just leaves you feeling irritated. Though not quite as irritated as the fact that Bakshi wasn't even allowed to complete the series and they pulled in Rankin-Bass to finish it in a totally different animation style.

WTF?  Is this Gandalf the White and the Seven Fucking Dwarfs?

It's good that Bakshi made the 70's version if only to serve as a guidepost for future directors of what not to do. Thankfully, this is all behind us now and we live in a future where Tolkein's story was brought to life in a manner it deserves.  Let us end with the more passionate and genuine balrog scene from Peter Jackson.

TGIS: Spider-Man vs 3 guys with sticks

The Amazing Spider-Man is coming out next month and the opinion of fans around the world seems to be "Meh." It's a reboot, but a lot of us feel that it's too soon for a reboot, although technically it's been ten years since Sam Raimi's "Spider-Man" came out. Can you believe that?  Ten years? And Spider-Man 3 was five years ago. Still, a reboot just feels too soon.  No matter how much this movie may suck, though, we should be glad it wasn't made in the seventies.

In 1977, a pilot movie and television show called "The Amazing Spider-Man" was launched. Chris and I watched a clip of this a while back and... well see for yourself.  Do yourself a favor and skip to about 4 minutes in since most of the beginning is Spider-Man just crawling on the side of a building. He finally gets into the building though.

Did some extra wall crawlin to strengthen my core!

When suddenly... well I guess I shouldn't say suddenly since it's more like... gradually... he is confronted by three "samurai".  Apparently this was before the days of ninjas or maybe they simply underbid the ninja union.  Anyhow, Spider-Man is cornered by three stunt men with sticks.

Samurai1: Did you ever get around to telling them that we're
not real samurais, but a ska band called The Samurais?
Samurai2:  Shut up man!  We need this gig!

Hold on.  If these are samurai then why do they have sticks instead of swords?

Oh.  That's why.

Despite their sticks, Spider-Man beats the "samurais" up and then comes the coup de grace!  He's going to secure them down to the ground with his patented super strong webbing! He...

Are those... cobwebs?  I'm not... was Spider-Man dehydrated or something?  I just... *sigh*... anyhow.

Spider-Man runs away and hops out the window, the webbed "samurai" slowed only momentarily by confusion and possibly revulsion.

He climbs the side of the building to the top and...

Wait, did the "samurai" simply climb the stairs and almost beat him to the top? This uber superpower is canceled out by guys using an everyday thing? WTF? That's like 70's Thor having a vulnerability to polyester! So now they fight all over again but the "samurai" are no match for Spidey's Mule Kick Style.

You should see my Donkey Punch!

Spider-Man then webs a pole on a nearby building with a much less flaccid performance than in the hallway and swings over to it.

Peace out y'all!

While visually it's not impressive, the comments point out that this is not CGI and is a real guy. Kind of sucks to risk your life for such a lackluster effect though. I mean, compare it to the Spider-Man vs Doc Oc fight in the 2005 movie.  Even if the special effects begin to show their age, you have to admit that the 2005 Spider-Man is a lot more spidery than... Cobweb-Man here.

TGIS: Hulk vs... some skinny green guy?

So in this installment of Thank God it Isn't the Seventies (TGIS: Helping us feel happier about mediocre modern things!), we have a clip from "The Incredible Hulk". I watched this with my buddy Chris a few weeks ago. This is a clip from a two part episode entitled "The First".  Dr. Banner finds a cure, but also finds the guy who was first cured from hulkism but now wants the power back.  The first guy gets his green back, gets his hulk on, and smashes the cure. A green team confrontation ensues. Here's the clip in full.

You lookin at me?

Right off the bat we're underwhelmed with Evil Hulk or as I will now call him "The Credible Hulk". Chris points out that he didn't even hulk-out enough to rip his shirt off! This is something all versions of the Hulk have accomplished, and that includes Hulk Hogan. Honestly, except for the green skin, I see guys like him on my job at least every other week. After a lengthy stare down, the Credible Hulk throws a chair.

You're no match for my mighty chair!

I've always had a problem with this in comic books. When two strongmen fight who can both punch through steel, why do they then grab something made of steel and hit with it? Kind of like having a choice between punching someone and hitting them with a nerf bat and they choose the nerf bat. Anyway, they wreck up the lab for a bit.

BAM!  POW!  IKEA!

Then for some reason, they decide to... move what appears to be...  an air hockey table?

Lift with your legs brah!

I'm not... I don't even... why?  This isn't fighting! Feng Shui is not a martial art!! Even the old lady in this scene rolls her eyes, and she's supposed to be wet-your-Depends terrified of two green monsters!  Of course, she handles the whole thing remarkably calmly so I'm assuming she has dementia or something.

Oh boys.  I don't think President Eisenhower would approve of this behavior!

Anyhow, the police bust in and shoot The Credible Hulk. Credible Hulk is not bulletproof apparently, lending even more credibility to his cause except that he can't enjoy this because he is now dead. The lady helps The Incredible Hulk escape. Dr. Banner later walks down the road as we fade to credits.

Watching this really gives you a better appreciation for the movie from a few years ago where Hulk fights The Abomination. Though I'm kind of rough on the show, the one thing it really deserves praise for is the ending credits music. I sincerely feel that there is no better ending credits theme music in the history of television. So let's cleanse the pallet of Credible Hulk badness and enjoy "The Lonely Man Theme".

TGIS: The Origin

The Green Lantern movie gets a lot of crap. Out of a recent slew of Academy Award quality superhero movies, Green Lantern is considered pretty poorly rated. In a lot of ways, I feel this to be unfair. It wasn't great, but it wasn't horrible either. I was very confused.  Then I realized what has happened: We're spoiled.

Disco is not dead!  Disco is life!

You see, a friend and I were talking about how there were a bunch of really bad 70's TV superheroes. What is apparent in these shows is a desperate longing to be able to make these amazing adventures from their imagination come to life. Unfortunately, the technology was not there by any stretch of the imagination. What ended up on screen was awe inspiring due to the scope of its patheticness. You can't blame them too much really. They were called upon to recreate the Sistine Chapel using noodles and food coloring. When it was obvious they weren't even going to get remotely close, they just threw something together and probably got high.  If Green Lantern had come out during this time, though, it would have blown minds.

Therefore, I feel it is my duty to feature and comment on some of these old episodes for the sake of posterity. I'm going to be having a regular weekend post called TGIS, short for Thank God it Isn't the Seventies.  This allows me to comment on other aspects of the 70's if needed and it also allows me to put the content out on Saturday OR Sunday. Be ready.

Remember, those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.  This can never happen again...