Changestorm

So for those of you who are not in the know, Gamestorm is a convention that happens in the Portland area every March that encompasses everything... gamer-ish. RPGs, boardgames, card games, story games, LARPs, console games, and experimental games.  I went to my first Gamestorm around the middle of my first stint of living in Portland.  At the time, I was enamored with Living Greyhawk and Gamestorm was one of the best ways to get games under your belt that may not otherwise be available for play. The first time I went, I pretty much lived in the RPGA room and was largely unaware of what the rest of Gamestorm was doing. This eventually evolved into playing other RPGs, exploring boardgames, discovering story games, and even doing some LARPs and experimental games.

Last year I didn't go because we had just had a baby. And this year...

Well, things are different.

I should mention at this point that Cleo is teething again. Four eyeteeth, three molars. The kiddo is super clingy and in tremendous pain. Strangely enough, she's also a lot more fun these days. She's my little buddy. We do yoga, dance around, or just lay on the floor making silly coyote noises to each other and giggling like mad. The prospect of going out and having fun WITHOUT her is becoming more and more foreign.

And yet, I had scheduled time off from her on Friday. Sure, I spend time away from her, but it's always for the sake of responsibilities or at most, a few hours. Here I was dropping my little girl off at her grandmother's place so I could just go play games for 10-12 hours! I wavered a bit while I was at H's mom's place to drop Cleo off about whether I should even go or not. She convinced me to go,  pointing out that I have to keep my self care practices sharp or else I was no good to anyone.

A great point but still, it felt... selfish.

The convention then became this interesting, existential experience. It was familiar, yet not. The giddy excitement I usually felt was replaced by distracted interest. Past me who was obsessed with games was at war with current me who doesn't have time in his life to be obsessed with games. Gamer geek vs the dad.

Strangely, one of the games I played was very helpful. It was called Before and After the Silence. Basically, six of us spent one and a half hours in a room, in silence. We had two things: 1) a card that explained our reference point for our situation (e.g. Prisoners, Shipwrecked, In the lobby of a clinic waiting for our STD diagnoses) that the other people don't know and 2) a card that lists an action you can do.

I got the situation card that I was a telepath. Everyone was an aspect of me and I was the thoughts of everyone in the room (goo goo ga joob!), and my goal was to create stillness. As someone struggling with points of reference within myself, this was awesome. Kind of a mirror to my internal struggle. Also my action was to once let out a "scream from the bottom of your soul". If you ever get the opportunity to let out a soul wrenching scream to break 45 minutes of silence, I highly recommend it, especially if you've had the kind of year I've had.

I can't say I've resolved this conflict, but I do feel like I reached peace with something on Saturday. You see, Saturday at a con is usually the day of the most activity (Friday is the buildup and Sunday has a "circus leaving town" feeling). And on Saturday morning, I went and played a five hour game (it was a sci-fi/wild west larp). I had a fantastic time. But then I left the con. Sure there was more to do and see (The Doubleclicks were playing at 8!), but it was early afternoon, the weather was too good, and I had a little girl to kick the soccer ball around with.

I guess sometimes, just sometimes, you can have it good as long as you're not determined to have it all.

Toddler Speak

Get back to work!

George RR Martin likes to take the winter off from writing to watch football, and I think I see his point. Yes, you are indoors and you would think something like that would be conducive to writing. The sad thing is, you just get sick of being indoors and find ways to distract yourself. Personally, I have been watching classic Doctor Who from episode 1. Yes, that's right. Starting with the black and white episodes and the First Doctor. I'm currently up to the Third Doctor and, finally, episodes with color! Much more productive than writing, right? Right?

Outside of that, the kid has been growing of course. She's mobile now, toddling along, over estimating herself, doing face-plants, and then crying. She has slowly been becoming more capable throughout the winter, and H and I have been on cruise control, picking her up when she cries, steering her from dangers, and sympathizing with her when she inevitably disregards the danger.

Reflect my indifference, punk.

So far, we've been able to handle any incidents with "toddlerese" from "The Happiest Toddler on the Block." I could go into the specifics such as reflect 30% -60% of the emotion, use small words and simple phrases, etc, but the easiest way to explain it is that you are The Hulk who just set up shop as a humanistic therapist for toddlers. My life now consists of such great phrases as:

"Cleo fall! Cleo angry she fall! Cleo angry!"

or after 15 minutes of pestering the cat:

"Cleo hurt! Bad cat scratch and Cleo fall! Cleo cry! Bad Emma!"

and also

"Cleo fall! Cleo scared she fall! Cleo scared and cry!" (notice a pattern?)

Such variety is the viscera of my daily routine. Lots of empathizing for accidents and distracting after. Considering that various Hulks represent different traits (Grey = Surly, Red = Rage, Bright Green = Simple Anger, Pale Green = Complex Anger), I wonder what color Toddler Empathy Hulk would be...

Do Hulk feel happy smiley face emoticon or winky emoticon?