Kidney

(I wasn't sure if this post was ever going to see the light of day, but since things are looking better I thought I'd throw it out there)

The hours after the ultrasound were some of the happiest of our lives. We were having a little girl! Five hours after, though, and we were both a mess. The docs called back and said that the kiddo has one kidney that is slightly larger than the other, stating that it could mean anything from a faulty contrast setting on the ultrasound to Down's syndrome, but they wouldn't be able to tell us anything until we had another ultrasound the next week. We live in an information age, but H and I are quickly learning that more information does not necessarily mean more answers.

If I had to describe the sensation of getting this news, it's like going out for a special occasion (birthday, anniversary, etc), having the most fantastic meal of your life, then coming home, turning on the TV, and finding out that the chef was arrested an hour after you left the restaurant for performing deviant sex acts in the kitchen. Whether or not this has contaminated your food or not is irrelevant, since it has now ruined the entire experience.


So then came the waiting game. Five long days of suspense. For me, I would repeatedly go through the stages of grief (denial, anger, sadness, bargaining, and acceptance) multiple times times over the course of a day. The thing that sucks about having an advanced psych degree is that you can recognize it, but can't do anything to stop it.  I'll be biking along, railing in my mind against the fact that I work with crack addicts who have 14 healthy kids all living on government assistance while I don't get even one healthy child and realize "Oh.  I'm in anger with some transition into bargaining" which doesn't do a lick of good.




We both coped in our own ways.  H cocooned up with books, I was out of the house a lot.  The day of the news I played pick up soccer at the indoor arena until after 11pm, leaving me kitten weak and cramping up just so I could pass out from exhaustion when I got home. I'm not sure if it helped or not to work over the weekend, but it did keep me from stewing.

And the thoughts. Over all of it was the specter of having a developmentally disabled child. I think H and I would do okay with a child with a physical disability, but if the child had Downs or something... how would I cope? There is no question that H and I wouldn't love the kid, because we would. We would dearly love her. Yet how much resentment would I also carry around with me though? Deep down resentment that is under the surface of everything? How could I get past it? How strong would we be able to be for her?

Today we had the followup appointment. The good news is that outside of the kidney, there is nothing wrong with the kid! The bad news is that one kidney isn't looking so hot. Still not a lot of answers regarding that kidney, but as long as she's got one good one we are told that things should be okay. Honestly, if you had told me two months ago that I would receive news that my kid would have a potentially damaged kidney and that I would be relieved and happy about it, I would have had you transported to the hospital. Can't say I approve of the girl's choice to have organ problems, but I suppose if she had to then it was good to pick the one that carries a spare. More appointments in the coming months and likely more stress, but on the plus side, that means more pictures!

One kidney is okay.
 (Okay, I was just looking for an excuse to post this picture of Torres and his daughter after Spain won the Euros.  Have you ever seen anything cuter?)