Time Lapse Pregnancy

I'm sure this will strike any woman who has been pregnant as an exceedingly stupid statement, but pregnancy is a really long process! Honestly, I never really noticed how skewed my perception of time in relation to pregnancy is. You see, my perspective of pregnancy has always been something like this:


Normal Looking Friend: I'm having a baby!
Me: Congrats!

(I don't see the friend for a few months)
Me: Hey! You look pregnant!
Obviously Pregnant Friend: No shit...

(Months later)
Me: Wow! You don't look pregnant! Did you have the baby?
Formerly Pregnant Friend: Why are we friends?


Even when I'm exposed to pregnancy on a more regular basis via coworkers or my sister in law, it still is processed in my mind like jerky time lapse photography or a bad flip book animation.

Picture this as a phenakistoscope

However, the reality is really freaking slow! It seems like its been forever that H has been pregnant and we're only on week 15 (I can only imagine what it feels like to her!) There is so much waiting and waiting.  We could start preparing, but outside of reading books it's about buying expensive stuff that a child will need for a super brief period of its life, so holding out for baby showers and second hand goods is better (which involves... wait for it... more waiting.)  When I do get impatient and look at new stuff, it's a shocking experience. I had this exact conversation the other day:

Salesperson:  Well, your child will only need it for 15 minutes when it's three months old, but it is VITAL.
Me:  It's $500!
Salesperson:  Your choice sir, but if you don't buy it then I will report this to CPS.
Me: What?
Salesperson: And black helicopters will come and take you away to Guantanamo Bay.
Me:  Wait, this is a dream isn't it?
Salesperson: Unfortunately it is. Serves you right for looking stuff up on Amazon.
Me:  Why am I having such a crappy dream?
Salesperson: It must be that you have a crappy imagination.
Me:  Hey!  You can't say that!  I demand to speak with your supervisor!
Salesperson: .... No.
Me:  Oh.  Well can we hit up a food cart that sells Unicorn Kebabs?
Salesperson:  Sure.  I'm still reporting you to CPS though.

Me:  God my imagination sucks.